A Painful Letter

Good day, I sincerely hope you’re in good health. I realize that you will likely never read this, but I need to get this off my chest. So, here goes everything…

I fucking miss you, and I know I shouldn’t. I can count the number of people I’ve told about our relationship on one hand, and it still hurts the way that it ended. You had the privilege of preparing mentally for our separation, I did not, especially since you claimed you wanted to stay friends. However, any attempts at correspondence with you was left with painful silence. That was the part that hurt the most, I feel. Recently you’ve come back to my mind, not that you’ve ever really left. I haven’t had one decent attempt at a relationship since ours. I’ve wanted to, but I don’t want to make someone feel like they’re my second choice because realistically, they would be. I’ve not met anyone who I feel I could love more than I loved you. I know what we had can never pick back up, but that won’t stop me from wanting, and it won’t stop the pain. Don’t feel guilt over this, it’s my issue to deal with, but you’re the only one who can truly understand what it is I’ve been going through and this letter will hopefully help.

I don’t emote as well as I would like to, and part of the reason I was so happy to have found you was you understood that and helped bring those emotions out stronger than I thought was possible. I’ve taken to writing a blog to attempt to mimic those feelings and long thought out conversations that we had. Now I talk to a blank page. You were my Moon. You allowed me to see that I could be the intellectual while being a person who could have happiness, and sadness. You showed me that I did not need to cut my emotions out of my life in order to be logical. You were always more spiritual than I was, even to this day. Honestly the closest thing I do to that is meditate, I’m almost known for it now. It feels a bit silly sometimes. Lately even those meditations lead to flashbacks of the time that we had together. They’re not quite as peaceful and I have to fight every time not to cry while I do it. I cannot get you out of my head. Part of me wants to close myself off and live in those memories, part of me wants to cut any memory of you out of me. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t feel close enough to anyone to trust them to help me organize these feelings.

I want to learn something from our relationship, and the lesson I always come back to is that I should not love anymore. It’s not the life lesson I want to get from this, I want it to be something positive, and I don’t want to live a life without love. Due to how our relationship ended I can’t find any positive spin to make of this situation. My feelings and memories are tainted by the negative emotions that occur when I think of you. They overwhelm the positive feelings I have of you, making them into fuel for my sadness. I’ve tried to be rational when thinking about what lesson I want to draw from us, but that voice, your voice, tells me not to cut the emotions out of my life. I don’t know if I’ve began putting you on a pedestal in my head and giving you credit for things you did not teach me. I only remember certain bits from our relationship. I try to focus on the positive influences you’ve brought into my life, although there is the immense pain that has yet to heal and I’m certain there are a lot out of my memories that I’m excluding.

I don’t even remember your name anymore, yet my mind continues to try and remember like it will give me some kind of closure. It starts with an M… or an A, but definitely has both letters in it. I need this closure, I’m stopping myself from moving forward because of it. I desperately want one more day, but I know that’ll only lead to more and more wanting. I wish I could just stop needing you, but since you left my life has been anything but easy.